


dawn | lee minho

by adore_jisung



Series: and beyond | stray kids [7]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Blood and Gore, Character Death, Crying, Dark, Dark Poetry, Dawn - Freeform, Death, Depressing, Depression, Graphic Description, Hearing Voices, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insomnia, Late at Night, Loneliness, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Poetry, Running Away, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, i love minho so much, im sorry, just projecting myself on him, sadfic, seoul at night
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:54:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23383366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adore_jisung/pseuds/adore_jisung
Summary: in which minho gives in to his desire
Relationships: Lee Minho | Lee Know & Everyone, Lee Minho | Lee Know & Stray Kids Ensemble, Lee Minho | Lee Know/Everyone, Stray Kids Ensemble/Everyone
Series: and beyond | stray kids [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1545982
Comments: 4
Kudos: 62





	dawn | lee minho

**Author's Note:**

> started: 26th march 2020  
> ended: 29th march 2020  
> 1361 words
> 
> this story isn't meant to romanticize or euphemize mental illnesses / suicide in any way. it's a projection of my own thoughts and i tried to cover the topic respectfully.
> 
> all rights reserved to adore_jisung
> 
> [tw] this story contains graphic descriptions and mentions of suicide, depressive thoughts and self-harm. if you don't feel comfortable being confronted with these topics, read at your own risk.

with uncontrollably shaking, lifelessly ice cold hands, minho cautiously wiped his hot face burning from all the acid tears that had been streaming down his face during the past hour he had spent desperately trying to escape from his mind's eternal darkness, trying to fall unconscious into a healing sleep. his heart was screaming in pain, helplessly bleeding the blackest tears.  
  
thoughts got louder with every silent minute passing, memories more and more vivid the harder he squeezed his swollen eyes, mercilessly ripping out every tiniest bit of hope, tearing it apart like a wild animal until it was nothing more than a crumpled corpse tainted by blood-dripping poison. sequences of pure desperation mixed with the embodiment of the usual aggression coming in the middle of his breakdowns in form of his very own fists storming down his already blueish-bruised body like whispering rain.  
  
as if it could change anything.  
  
as if the pain forgave his uncountable failures, muted them as if they had never existed. no, they would forever stay carved in his head, scars of cruelest fear and horror. he was bound to this hell called earth, as much as he desired it, he just couldn't leave without anyone's expectations.  
  
scenarios of him admiring the breathtaking view from their company's rooftop before saying his last goodbye and letting himself fall into the comforting hands of the depths. laying on the ground, body shattered, blood soaking the green grass around him, tainting it in a warm, dark red. this dream would come back to him every single night and every single night it would be harder to let it go, to put it back behind the locks of fantasy, separating it from reality again. and everytime, its traces would be more difficult to erase, the metallic smell of his own blood stuck in his nose, the red streets flowing across his body being ripped open again before they could even heal.  
  
it took an hour until he could finally calm down, collect himself and once again make the same promise that has left his lips again and again every time he broke it.  
  
to keep fighting.  
  
it was something he had been telling himself for more than four years filled with agony and trauma, and yet he always fell back down into the abyss of despair. he was so goddamn exhausted, weakened to the bones. he didn't want to live in this body anymore. he didn't want to be the person he was. he didn't want to exist another day.  
he didn't want to be stuck in this vicious cycle any longer.  
  
his days noisily gray and without light, his nights purely black, restless, overflowing with regret, sadness and anger. it was like a growing stone having been planted into his heart, gaining weight with every tear that left his eyes, making it impossible to breathe.  
  
people had offered him to talk to them, promised they were there for him. he refused. people told him they loved him, said they needed him in their lives. he didn't believe any of it, he couldn't.  
  
and then, on good days when he possibly was in the verge of convincing his inner monster that others really might be saying the truth, that some people out there really might have a spark of love glowing for him, he felt incredibly sorry.  
endlessly sorry for not being easier to love.  
sorry for not being able to be a happy person. sorry for being himself.  
  
people accepted it when the demons inside of him told them goodbye. they didn't hear his real, enslaved voice begging them to stay, to be patient, to help.  
people didn't understand.  
  
wiping his burning eyes once more, minho pushed his blanket back before swinging his legs over the edge of the bed. his head was spinning, his breath still hitching and he was super close to losing the remaining, small rest of sanity he contained. careful not to wake up the two of his members peacefully snoring in their beds next to his, he tapped out of the suffocatingly hot room, grabbing jacket and keys, before heading out of the dorm right onto the empty streets of the sleeping city. it was colder than he had expected, but all that mattered to him right now was to get rid of these screeching thoughts eating up his mind.  
  
so he ran.  
far far away from his memories, away from the darkness, away from the black night. he ran and didn't stop until his heart started pounding a little too fast and his blurry, grainy vision forced him to halt. panting and without firm foothold, minho tried to hold himself up against the railing his eyes had caught sight of right in front of him before he could collapse on the hard betony beneath him.  
  
he didn't even have to lift his gaze to know exactly where his legs unconsciously brought him to. he was scared of having to face the view in front of him. the biggest temptation during the past weeks, steadily luring him into coming closer and forget about all his problems. but despite heavily trying to force his eyes down, minho couldn't stop himself, he just had to take in that dangerously beautiful view of seoul under him. street lights blending with the small light timidly formingo the horizon, building a faint gray stripe that beautifully blended with the massive canvas of pitch black above. the last stars wishing the city goodbye as they faded in the dawn. faint car noises wafting through the fresh air, somehow comfortingly connecting the silent night with the approaching morning.  
  
minho couldn't remember the first time he had started coming to this place, he had been spending almost every night here, sneaking out of the suffocating house during anxious and sleepless nights. and everytime he came here, it was harder to go back, leaving this place behind the locks of fantasy, separating it from reality again. this was it. this place gave birth to the origins of his neverending dream that visited him every single night. this rooftop with the fascinating, endlessly wide view and with the seductive, endless depth behind its edge, calling minho to step forward, to fly away with the stars.  
  
minho had always known for sure, that the night would come at some point. he never thought about the exact point of time, but too often had he tried to imagine the feeling of wisdom, so that he wouldn't miss it when it was time.  
  
and that night, he knew it.  
  
he felt it so intensely in his burning heart, the fears and doubts, all vanished into thin air. watching the grey dawn spreading over seoul, suppressing the last spots of nocturnal blackness, minho knew that now it was that one night when he'd finally listen to the voices inviting him all the way down, carrying his body through the air until they'd softly let him down, shattered into millions of pieces, painting the ground with his uncountable red shards. and the clouds would take his soul, pick it up from the beautiful mess, waft it through the fresh air, all the way up to the twinkling stars, where he'd become one of them, shining brighter than any other star, brightening up the dark world he was trapped in for too long.  
  
and so, he finally gave in, he gave in to the desire that had been so patiently waiting in his heart for several years. and before he was even found, lifelessly dashed to shivers on the ground in front of his company's building, his soul was already free, lightly hovering among the stars slowly fading away in the pinkish red of the morning, ready to comfort his members hearts that were about to be broken forever this morning.  
  
and while for millions of humans this morning was the cruelest nightmare they'd ever head and would never be able to forget, it was yet the most beautiful dawn minho had ever experienced in his entire life.  


_\---_

_i'm too weak to face reality_

_so i try turning away but it's not easy_

_that day endlessly repeats itself_

_and i'm closer to being dead_

_\- dayfly,_ dean

\---

**the end.**


End file.
